My thoughts and what's going on in my world.

Observations - What do you notice?

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 22:31:44 GMT

Choose Happiness

What do you notice? This is an interesting question. On any given day at any given moment, change is occurring. Did you know that you will never experience the same exact moment or second for that matter, ever again? Yes, this is true! Time is ever constant, and it never stands still; therefor, change is inevitable. If you take the time to be still and notice what's happening around you, you'll know this.

How we experience anything in life is all about how we perceive it. We are in choice at all times. Have you ever met someone that always seems to be happy? If you ask them why they are that way, they most likely will tell you that it's because they choose to be. Life doesn't always give us what we desire and sometimes it can be downright awful; however, even in the worst of times we can choose to be happy. Some may say that this is impossible or even go as far to say that it just isn't appropriate. Let's take death as an example. I know that this can be a very delicate subject but just bear with me. Let's say that you lost someone very close and dear to you. Yes, this is a very difficult thing to deal with and it is okay to be sad and maybe even angry at the time. Grieving in all its forms is healthy and necessary. The question is how long? Only you can answer that question. If you choose to remember them with joy and happiness, you may find that it eases or shortens the grieving process. This will better honor their memory as well. If you choose to smile instead of frown the grieving will eventually turn to joy, and you may begin to notice subtle changes in yourself when you think of them. Celebrate them and the joy that they brought you and observe the change in yourself. This applies to everything we experience in life. Choose happiness and you will always win.

I had the opportunity to go home to Pensacola, FL this past weekend to visit with my family. My sister flew in from Italy with her family and my brother who lives in the area were there along with my mother. It was the first time in five years that we were all together at the same time. It was a special time, albeit a short visit, at least for me. My mother is 80 years old, and her memory isn't the best these days and she has her share of issues in relation to her health and age; however, what I noticed is that she lives more in the moment than ever before. She didn't complain or focus on any of those things. I asked her if she was happy? She told me that she had never been happier and then said, "I have my three children here with me and that's all that matters". I began to observe how she acted around us. She was caring, attentive and loving, it was joyful. In that moment she was our mother, and we were her children. It was as if nothing had changed since childhood. What a beautiful thing to witness and observe.

Just my observation.

Blessings.

Death

Fri, 22 Mar 2019 22:32:42 GMT

What are you afraid of?

Death is a part of life, plain and simple. No one escapes it in the physical body, so why is it that so many of us have such a hard time dealing with it? The obvious answer is that we mourn the loss; however, the true answer lies deeper within us. In spirituality we know that everything is infinite and that the death of the physical body is not the end of our journey. It is with this belief that we can find peace in knowing that our dearly departed are still with us, albeit not in physical form. It is understandable to feel sadness when someone that you love dies and it is okay to grieve that loss. Grieving is okay, but it is important to move past the grief and to not hold on to it for too long. When we comprehend the notion that all beings are eternal we begin to understand that no on is ever gone, they just transition into a different state of being. The soul is eternal and has many earthly journeys and a lot of times it reunites with the same soul or souls many times over, so there is a good chance that your loved one and you will meet again in human form in another lifetime. A lot of times there are lessons to be learned together, and in some cases, one is the teacher. Now I do want you to understand that this is my belief, and that I do truly believe in life after death or the afterlife and reincarnation. Science has made remarkable progress in recent years in proving this to be true, but for me it is a knowing that needs no explanation. This knowing is what gives me inner peace. This is a peace that I want everyone to experience.

So, back to my question. Why do so many people have a difficult time dealing with death. I believe that it stems from a form of attachment to that specific person or thing. A lot of times we place too much of an emphasis on things outside of ourselves to obtain happiness. I think that the real answer boils down to fear. If we are living a fear-based reality, then it is understandable that death is scary; however, if we live in a love-based reality, then death is not to be feared. Rather, it is to be embraced as a part of our journey. It is not the end, it’s just another adventure. Take a moment and think of a loved one that is no longer with you and try to remember all the good things about them. Now, how do you feel? Are you feeling sad or happy? If you are feeling sad ask yourself what the sadness is for. You may have to dig deep to get to the root of it but trust me, the sadness is not for the loss, it is from something within you that has not been resolved or dealt with. This is the true source of your sadness. Heal that and you will begin to shift in your awareness and begin living a life filled with more love and joy. When we find joy from within, we truly see the joy in all things. For me this has been essential in dealing with death and a lot of other issues in my life.

On March 11, 2019 at 1:55pm my father at the age of 84 transitioned from his earthly body and began his next adventure. I received a lot of love and support during this time and it was greatly appreciated. Some of the support came in the form of “I’m sorry for your loss” and although I understand the intention and sentiment, I don’t agree with the statement. It is not a loss in my opinion, it is a celebration of the life he lived. I choose to celebrate the life and not the loss. This does not mean that I was not saddened by his passing. I was; however, the sadness was not for him. I came to realize that I was sad because I could no longer hold on to the story of being a victim. Yes, this story was still playing out and I knew that it was about to end. As crazy as it may sound, I became very comfortable living with that story. In that moment deep inside of me I knew that it was time to let go of it once and for all and start claiming what was rightfully mine. This meant that I would no longer be able to use my victim story as an excuse, but more importantly I was given a mission to fulfill and falling short on that mission was not acceptable. In that moment I fully understood what I was here to do. I am here to help others let go of their stories and to help them start living their life as it was intended to be lived, and it is through my experiences that I will be able to do so.

These are the lessons that my father taught me. To love unconditionally. To show compassion. To be strong, but to also know when to be tender. And, most importantly, to love myself. Thank you, dad. I love you.

Good Grief

Sat, 02 Mar 2019 01:45:00 GMT

How do you deal with grief?

Today I was informed that my father will begin receiving Palliative Care, which is similar to Hospice. As some of you know, he has been battling cancer, Mesothelioma to be exact, for a couple of years. Although it has not been determined that he is terminal, his health has been continuously declining these last few years, especially in the last few months. Up to now he has forgone any treatment, mainly because of his age and the effect that the treatment can have on him. Since the diagnosis two years ago I have reconnected with my father in a very different and special way; and in that time, I have done a lot of healing. Just within this last year alone, I have reached a new level of awareness in relation to the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father. That awareness has led me to create a platform so that I can help other people who have had similar experiences. I’m still building the foundation for what will become a place of healing for those people. This has been a tremendous growing period in my life; and yet, today I realized that I still have more healing to do in relation to the abuse.

In my heart I feel that the end is nearing for my father and in some ways, I feel relieved. Yes, relieved that he will no longer suffer and that he can finally find the peace that he has been searching for, but more so the relief I feel today is for me being able to finally move past this painful experience. I certainly do not wish for my dad to transition, that is not my intent, but in my mind, I have often felt that if he were gone in physical form that I could finally put the past behind me and move on with my life. I know this not to be true, but somehow today I found myself thinking this again, as I have in the past. Then, as the emotions began to surface, I tried to fight off the tears because of the guilt I was still feeling. I was feeling guilty and ashamed because I didn’t think that he deserved those tears. I was telling myself how dare you cry for him after all that he has done to you. Once again, I knew better but these feelings were taking over, and I couldn’t seem to stop them. That is when I realized that those tears weren’t for him, they were for that little boy. That little boy that wanted so desperately to be loved and that little boy that was neglected all those years. Those tears were for him and I still was not allowing that little boy to be loved. So much of what I do is centered around supporting people and holding a space for others to begin the healing process, yet I still find it difficult to do the same for myself. I know how powerful this love is and today I finally loved that little boy the way he should be loved. I let the tears flow and I let go of the shame and guilt and although it hurt, I made it through the other side and I felt a lightness unlike any other that I have ever experienced.

After I was able shed tears for my inner child, I then was able to put into perspective the events of today. Yes, the truth is that we all will eventually transition from human form in to spirit form or whatever you may want to call it. This I know to be true for myself. I will celebrate those who have gone before me and I will forgive those who have wronged me, for they are my greatest teachers. I thank my father for the many lesson’s that he has taught me. Without them I would not be doing the great work that I am. I release all judgement, anger and fear associated with my father and I hold him in the Light of God and in doing so I surrender all limiting beliefs to the universe.

In metaphysics and spirituality, we talk a lot about forgiveness, compassion and love and the importance of it, not only in showing it and giving it to others but more importantly in relation to ourselves. I know that I am not alone in saying this, but it is sometimes easier said than done. You see, I forgave my dad years ago for what he did; or so I thought, and I also thought that I had forgiven that little boy. However, I hadn’t completely forgiven either one of them. That man that has done horrible things to me and that same little boy that has been carrying around the shame and guilt for such a long time that was associated with the abuse he experienced at his father’s hands. I thought I did; until today, and that made me realize that I still have work to do. This may always be so, but I do also know that with each day there is new hope and the possibility of new awareness’s and new realizations that will continue to help me heal and grow.

I wanted to share this with you today because I know that many of us go through similar experiences in our life when it comes to grieving. It is just a natural part of life. It’s okay to feel angry and hurt, but it is not okay to hold on to them. If you are in such a place, you are not alone. Please reach out to someone that can help you. I am here to be of service.

In this journey of what is my life I know that I will continue to heal and grow only if I am willing to face the pain and work through it. Yes, it is through the grief and suffering where we learn how to live.

Good Grief, Live!

May You All Be Blessed, Always!!!

Dealing with shame

Tue, 26 Feb 2019 00:09:36 GMT

Back in December I facilitated my first workshop. The subject was “shame”. It was an amazing experience and one that I will always cherish. I now have the opportunity to present this workshop at the Awakened Life Yoga Festival in Gulf Shores, Alabama on April 12 - 14. You can find out more about it on my workshop page. I also have a guided meditation on my meditation page to go with it. Please feel free to share.

This past year has been a year filled with adventure and self-explorations and a lot of “firsts” for me. I found my first true love which has taught me how to love on a deeper level, not only loving her but more importantly loving myself. I created a business that is centered around my unique and special talents and in the process, I realized that I do have something very valuable to offer the world. I overcame my fear of public speaking which has been so liberating. I have an amazing spiritual family that has welcomed me into their home and that has shown me how special I am. I am so grateful and yet I yearn for more. I yearn to discover more “firsts” and I yearn to continue to peel back the many layers of shame that I have been carrying with me for my entire life.

I began a very powerful process of self-discovery this summer with Leisa Peterson. She is the founder of iProsper, Money Transformation Course. ( https://www.wealthclinic.com/ ) What I thought was going to be a process of identifying and confronting my issues with money turned out to be so much more. What I didn’t realize at the time was that my relationship with money was only a small part of the equation. The real issues I was dealing with had to do with so much more than money. I underwent an extensive three-month course and discovered so much about what has been holding me back in my life. I have so much gratitude for Leisa and the work that she does, and I encourage everyone to reach out to her. She is an angel that was sent to me and I truly believe that through her work she is making a huge difference in the world. I could go on and on about Leisa but rather than do that please check her out for yourself. ( http://leisapeterson.com )

What I really want to talk about today is what I discovered while taking this course and how it has transformed my life in such a way that my life will never be the same. I discovered that I was dealing with a great amount of shame. I know that this may not sound so profound, but as I became aware of this and started to really look at it I discovered that shame has been the single most profound issue that has been controlling everything that I do in life. Even at this very moment, it is still there. Once I became aware of this I realized that if I wanted to continue growing spiritually I had no choice but to heal my relationship with shame. And to heal it, that meant that I had to confront it.

It was during doing some inner child work with Leisa that I discovered that I was carrying and dealing with shame from my childhood. It started with sexual abuse at the hands of my father at the age of seven and it lasted until I was thirteen. Unfortunately, the mental abuse continued long after the physical abuse. And I don’t mean the mental abuse from my father, I’m talking about the mental abuse that I would continue to inflict upon myself for most of my life. This became the greatest abuse I would ever endure, it became my saboteur. In recent years I have done a lot of work around this abuse and I have healed extensively as a result, but the one thing that I did not do was confront the shame associated with it. As you can imagine, my shame stemmed from the fear of being abused and it resulted in me carrying around a lot of anger, and having feelings of embarrassment, along with having trust issues and the guilt associated with that. Guilt came in many forms; most notably in the form of regret. I regretted not being able to stop the abuse and not being a better person or son so that I wouldn’t deserve the abuse. The list went on and on and the negative self-talk became my inner voice on a regular basis. I would often tell myself that I was not a good person and that bad things would always happen to me because of it. I truly believed that I did not deserve to be happy. With this as my mindset, I began to take on some very dangerous behaviors and I lived a careless and reckless life. As I look back today, I have a hard time imagining how I could endure such relentless abuse of my own making. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not down playing my Dads role in all this and how it set in motion a series of behaviors that would define my life. It is a testament as to how strong we are and how much we can overcome. I know now that having survived all that I have in my life that I can and will survive anything, and that is exactly the message that I want everyone to receive. We are amazingly strong and resilient, and we can overcome anything. We just must make the commitment to doing so.

Shame can show up in so many ways, and it can be subtle at times. In some cases, we don’t even realize that we have it. One way that shame shows up is through transference of energy. Many people have no idea what this means, much less understand it. The best way that I can explain it would be to give you an example. Imagine if you were sad and not feeling good and someone you love gives you a hug and notice how you feel afterwards. When they hug you, you can feel their love and you can take on that energy. Now imagine that you are having one of the best days of your life and you just feel amazing and then suddenly someone directs anger and violence towards you. This can shift your energy as well and it can be in the form of fear or anger. This is a form of transference of energy. This is very significant when it comes to shame, especially in an abuser/victim dynamic. The victim often takes on the shame of the abuser. It is very common, and this shame can become ours without knowing it. In my case with the abuse that I experienced at the hands of my father, I took on his shame. The shame that he was experiencing became mine. As with most people, myself included, we suppress any emotion that is associated with shame. We do this by forming addictions to all kinds of things, most commonly drugs and alcohol. We do this to hide the pain associated with it, or to try and run from it. In my case, I felt that if I didn’t talk about shame or confront it, it meant that it didn’t exist, or that it would go away altogether. Little did I know that it was always there and that it was standing in the shadows and running the show of my so-called life.

The numerous ways that shame showed up for me throughout my life has been significant. Early in my childhood I went from being confident and outgoing to being reclusive and uncertain. I began to develop behaviors that reflected how I felt about myself. I started cheating, lying and stealing. I became so good at doing these things that most people had no idea that anything had changed. I began to wear many masks and one of the many that I wore was that of happiness. Ironically, by wearing these masks I began to feel more and more shame. This was the beginning of a spiraling effect that would be with me for most of my life. As I grew older I began to develop more serious behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse. As with most people, I became a functioning addict. I was able to survive but it was a very abusive lifestyle, one that was filled with a lot of self-doubt, unworthiness, anger and depression. No matter what I did I would always find ways to sabotage anything good in my life. I would sabotage my relationships, my career and my well-being. My unworthiness and low self-esteem prevented me from asking for help and stepping into my power. I settled for a life of mediocrity and I didn’t stand up for myself. I would forgo promotions and career advancement because it was safer to stay and play small. I would walk away from relationships that were good because I was afraid to feel love. If anything became difficult I would do whatever it took to run away from it. All of this because of the shame that I was feeling. I could go on about the missed opportunities, but I think that you get the point. With this inner saboteur at work in my life I was on a path of self-destruction and misery.

We define Shame as a toxic state of self-hatred and self-contempt. What does that mean? Well, for me it was the negative self-talk and the unworthiness I felt for myself. It allowed me to make up excuses for not showing up in a way that was authentic. It became so powerful, and it prevented me from achieving what I most desired. In my life I have let shame prevent me from being who I truly was meant to be. I am no longer willing to let it have that power over me. I wish the same for you. Isn’t it time that we all confront the shame in our lives and take back our power? I say yes!

So how can we do this? How do we regain control and overcome shame? The first and most important thing that we can do is to have compassion. By that I mean, that we must understand that shame has no power if we don’t feed it. By being compassionate towards ourselves we can begin to starve the emotions associated with it. Let’s begin with saying the words “I love you” to ourselves and then let’s begin the process of forgiving ourselves. We are not our past and we can only be defined by it if we choose to let it define us. We must ask ourselves “where does this shame come from?” Is this shame justified? If we begin to live our lives with love, compassion and forgiveness we begin to loosen the hold shame has over us.

I want to share with you an exercise that will help you overcome shame. Remember that compassion is the antidote to shame.

1. Think of one of your most shaming experiences from childhood. Now think of what you wish someone had said to you right after that experience. What would have been the most helpful and healing for you to hear at that time? Write this statement down on a piece of paper.

2. Imagine that someone you care very much about, someone you admire, is saying those words to you now. Hear those words in your ears. Take those words into your heart. Notice how those words make you feel.

3. Now say those words out loud to yourself. Take a deep breath and really take in those words. How does hearing yourself say those words out loud make you feel?

Hearing those words of compassion can be very healing. It’s almost as good as if you heard them at the time. In some ways it doesn’t really matter that you are hearing them now rather than at the time. What matters is that you let the words in now—that you experience both the compassion from someone else and that you provide self-compassion toward yourself.

If you would like to dive deeper into how shame has affected you and regain control over it please reach out to me and let’s book a session. I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year. Blessings.